Ma Eternal

It is at times like these
when cascades of sunlight penetrate
red and gold
peachy yellow
that I long to see camel eyes

I cannot see you but I know
where your head rests
I know why your smile never reaches its potential
Why your guilt overflows
Why you cannot practice natures
gift of maternal instinct

I spent years awry.
resentment being my stone to pitch
and I cast them once in a while
to your feet
gently enough not bruise flesh
hard enough to make you feel its presence

And now
now I miss those lessons
Those hands of creative ingenuity
That voice
deepened over the years
That hilarity
that dichotomy of race
That beating spirit

Those stories
Those genetic hindrances
I realize now.

But mother
You are always in this hand
in these fingers that
scribble on note pads
or drill pencils down to nubby
little scraps of pollution

I will claim you one day soon
I will rename you
mother
I will climb up to your stature
and reclaim the placenta
I betrayed for pride.