Crazy For you

I dreamt of you last night
Your hands like warm honey
leaving trails of sweet along my chin
you smelled of dreams
frothy like Guinness stout
I reached for your memory but
it eluded
Your voice melting into
the framework of the unknown
I listen attentively
as if certain it will be long
before I hear you again
Your spirit lingers here friend
Making me lose my footing
Commanding my feet
they disobey
tracing honey trails

Picking the morning from my eyes
I arrest her breaths as she sleeps silently
attempting to tickle each soft exhale
from her pursed lips
she is beauty
still
directed and fearless
I watch as the lids of her
eyes flinch
imagining each moment
she dreams
squeezing my eyes
tight
I attempt transformation
I am earth
she grows valiantly
beneath the soil
raising up like tall oak trees
outsmarting time

Drowned

Resting Supine on antiseptic hospital sheets she holds water streams between
Eyelids praying dams hold
Between thoughts of how she got here
And where she swore in childhood dreams she would be
Skipping stone across sandy expansions
Picking spices from unclaimed lands
She lays now legs in iron stirrups
Feet bare and sore from destination-less journey
Womb spread vast like HIV in black blood lines
She hears chatter
Muffled over by woman sobs
Maternal cries against unnatural destruction of self
Of life turned in loose bowel
Infantile parts gathered from suction tubes placed
Gallantly in containers marked hazardous waste
The skull and cross bone
An ominous reminder of this poison
This unfathomable act
Paradoxical in nature
The Dr. Speaks
Asking only for consent
Clandestinely removing this burden
This choice induced labor
I wonder if his heart is as cold as his eyes
Blue as iced rain
Sleet between legs as metal meats flesh
And I am sleeping
Supine on pristine white sheets
Unaware
perhaps because I would hear their screams
The pleas for mercy
Perhaps we would at once be torn from a place of rest
Denied life
Perhaps it is best I rest here
And dream a little while longer

I want to write something cheerful
Something easily digestible
that will glide down like a cool glass of lemonade
something easy
peaceful

They told me once
The tests I mean
That I am bipolar disorder
manic cacophony of
swamp blues
Up to my ankles in salt water
Its no wonder my feet are so damn wrinkled
and ugly
Scribbled on watermarked blue paper
100mg of Zoloft
Valium if its gets out of control
Side effects :
Zombie like state
euphoric hallucinations
glossy eyes
cotton mouth
skin peeling
rashes

So my thinking is fucked up
and apparently Ive had a rough childhood
which Ive suppressed memories of
I'm obsessed with my own thoughts
too hard on myself
emotionally needy

All that from a questionnaire?
Impressive...

So Ive been thinking (with some help)
Perhaps I am "abnormal"

I fall in love with people
who are unobtainable
Whose love are so cryptic
I spend months trying to decode it
but never succeed.
I write poems to feel better
and sometimes do
but sometime don't
I compare myself to everyone
and fail miserably
I am jealous in love
and it sucks
and they never are
and that sucks
but its funny sometimes too

I have sex because Im frantic about disconnection
and don't have sex because it makes me feel
like a whore
Cause I think
God's watching me in disapproval

I have sex to feel loved
but rarely do
or it doesn't last

I think people should care about my feelings as much as I do
And when they don't I get resentful
and curse the world for being cold.

I feel sometimes I am an actor in someone else's life
And someones going to yell Cut! any minute now....
Ironically I just happen to playing the
Me I said Id never become
A parasite that grows off of the life of another
unable to exist independently

I have so many great ideas, I think
But they are locked up inside with the
rest of my potential
I'm angry
and it shows

Mostly though I think I think
way to much about how to live
and have yet to actually do it

Through clenched teeth and eyes that well up with insipidity
I smile for today.
I smile seeing lines of pain in everything I come across
The letters, the pictures, the unspoken lies
With knot in throat I sing bird songs
and cackling melodies to the trees that will listen
I beg them for wisdom for lessons
sometimes reprieve
I smile
I smile with empty belly and sick womb
who speaks back to me in smells I recognize
I smile for locks that strangle
For arrogance that outshines my pride
for guilt and pain that rides my spirit Stallion like
With snot drops from noses and
eyes crusted from medically induced sleep
I smile
I smile for giving up personality
to please other
For letting spirit slip away in return for
failures and incapability's
I smile for the eyes of women who watch
and smile haughtily with incredulous glances
I smile wondering if they even know I am broken
That my pain is not tangible
and no matter how heavy the spike of their heal
they cannot drill me any further into the grave
I smile for the colors, for the sanguine stains on old white
sheets now turned rustic brown
I smile for the creation of life
For the beginnings of ends
With teeth clenching knot in throat
I smile
I smile for today knowing
I fight alone.
I smile for forgetfulness
For pointed fingers
I smile screams between the cracks of my lips
With bag in hand I smile for leaving behind
what was once good
for something that has always been bad.
I smile at photos in my inbox
that drown in color of disregard
I smile knowing I have no clue where to begin
picking up the strewn splinters
of a life I no longer
recognize as me.

There is something to be made
from this all
something to be torn from serrated
edges of dreams
Skin folded in so tight it locks in spirit
and conviction

Losing itself in the rising of saline tides
it reaches for sharpened scraps
of metal anything to
puncture and drain the captive
to let flow what once lived
freely from each vesture

Cry
Cry and someone will hear
Rip Clothes off skin
beg strange hands to grip
you firmly glide fingers
where they don't belong
bat tongues against wet skin
anything it whispers
just capture me again
hold me so i cant slip
Like old tattered fishing nets
like run in stocking

Burnt skin shrivels up like candy wrap
The sun keeping its gaze
until he's turned in for the night
Though body feels red hot
curry spice on cinnamon brown
Now turned coffee bean
it sits basted in aloe for reprieve
A pain premeditated to be received
but anything it whispers
Just capture me
hold me so I don't slip
Like old tattered fish nets
Like run in mamas stocking

The sound of leather boots
grind in ear root that will listen
he pears out of window
sees it coming
like ghost in trance
to dance like fire fly beams
in midnight Georgia sky

Door swings open
blazed eyes peer out
it drops grabbing ashy ankles
a riffled head of locks spring
it sporadic swirls
smell of sleep sits between them

inquisitions burst form mouth
a battle cry to the heavens
tell me little one
he says
cackling spit in throat
breath held in momentary suspension
and life exits room
he chants to bring it back
she slips fingers through labyrinth
she is as bewildered as he
he cannot save them both