They told me once
The tests I mean
That I am bipolar disorder
manic cacophony of
swamp blues
Up to my ankles in salt water
Its no wonder my feet are so damn wrinkled
and ugly
Scribbled on watermarked blue paper
100mg of Zoloft
Valium if its gets out of control
Side effects :
Zombie like state
euphoric hallucinations
glossy eyes
cotton mouth
skin peeling
rashes

So my thinking is fucked up
and apparently Ive had a rough childhood
which Ive suppressed memories of
I'm obsessed with my own thoughts
too hard on myself
emotionally needy

All that from a questionnaire?
Impressive...

So Ive been thinking (with some help)
Perhaps I am "abnormal"

I fall in love with people
who are unobtainable
Whose love are so cryptic
I spend months trying to decode it
but never succeed.
I write poems to feel better
and sometimes do
but sometime don't
I compare myself to everyone
and fail miserably
I am jealous in love
and it sucks
and they never are
and that sucks
but its funny sometimes too

I have sex because Im frantic about disconnection
and don't have sex because it makes me feel
like a whore
Cause I think
God's watching me in disapproval

I have sex to feel loved
but rarely do
or it doesn't last

I think people should care about my feelings as much as I do
And when they don't I get resentful
and curse the world for being cold.

I feel sometimes I am an actor in someone else's life
And someones going to yell Cut! any minute now....
Ironically I just happen to playing the
Me I said Id never become
A parasite that grows off of the life of another
unable to exist independently

I have so many great ideas, I think
But they are locked up inside with the
rest of my potential
I'm angry
and it shows

Mostly though I think I think
way to much about how to live
and have yet to actually do it